so i have been going through this thing of happiness, and i really realized it when i read Sam J. xanga entry, so thanks Sam . so i know God wants us to be happy, and if we are christians then we should be right? but what happens on a bad day? i mean i have bad days.... days when i dont feel like seeing anyone or days when i dont want to talk to anyone, so is that bad? Jesus had bad days right? i really dont think that starving for 40 days and nights being tempted my satan is really a joyful time or anything.

and is happiness based on another person or do we have to find happiness within ourselves and if we cant find happiness in ourselves then where do we find it? i mean God is suppose to be our one true light of happiness but what about when Gods not there? or we cant feel him there.... what then?

i find that my friends bring me happiness, but i know they get tired of dealing with someone who is always depending on them to bring them happiness, and i feel like i cant get close to anyone anymore because i just feel like i will crash and burn. i just dont understand it.... i put trust and time into people just for them to turn around and hurt me or do unexplainable things that i will never understand. i am so very thankful for the friends i have, so dont get me wrong on that.... i just dont understand some things and like i said before i probably never will.

i feel like xanga is dying down...do people really write on this anymore? or i should ask.... do people even read this anymore?.... just some thoughts....

so i often wonder, if i really went away would anyone really care?  i mean this semester has been so much better than what i would have ever thought and after the past couple semesters this one is almost like a vacation of recovery. anyway its just a question that sometimes goes through my head.

oh the other hand, god has been doing wonderful things in my life. i think that i can finally worship freely and experiance god in a different way. yet sometimes i almost feel like i have to "beg" god to listen to me or at least let me know that you hear me.

anyway i have been a really girly mood lately, i want to be married, i want to have a baby, i want to go on a road trip, i want to be skinny, and i want more clothes. why why why why why......

So I came to a sad conclusion this week, that conclusion was this.... that things don't last forever. When you graduate high school usually the ending speech goes something like this:

"The friends you made now will always hold a special place in your heart, some will always stay there, some will only be there for a moment and then disappear, either way at that moment in your life they will forever impact and change you."

I realized on Monday, when i was listening to a few of my friends talk about tour, how sad i was going to be not going this year. its the first time in 4 years that im actually going home for fall break instead of spending endless hours on a bus only to let my feet swell to the size of watermelons and to feel so claustrophobic that i cant breath.... ahhh the memories..... and im going to miss it so much. But with missing that experiance Im also going to miss the friendships. And even though most of those people who i have met along the way will always stay with me there are some that i realize letting them go has got to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. This isnt high school anymore, this is a community of people that I have lived with, or spent endless hours with day in and day out, and I have to one day say goodbye to all those people. its kind of like my favorite TV show FRIENDS... only without the sex. 

But to all my friends, you all hold a special place in my heart and no matter what at the end of the day i will always love you and never forget you. and when im an old lady... my grandchildren will hear about each and every one of you....

To all my enemies.... i will never forget you all either, and believe it or not... i do love you and care about you and i will always pray for you that God will direct your paths, so that someday when you least expect it you will realize how you changed my life and made me learn from my mistakes.

With that said im off to bed....  

so HAlarious story today...

ok if anyone knows me they know i usually try to take my car to the limit and dont really care if my gas light is on and try to just let to run until it absolutely needs gas in the car. well today i get in and even though my light had been on for a couple days i still didnt want to get gas because my parents are going to be in town tomorrow and they would fill it up for me. anyway so i went to get breakfast for Brandon and Alex as payment for helping me with a project. anyway so im at the light at 25th and keith ready to turn left and the light is red and im the first one in line and my car stops..... i try to restart it a few times and realize that it was true. i had ran out of gas in the middle of rush hour traffic right in the heart of cleveland. embarrassed and completely unsure of what to do i called rachel ethun.... she of course laughed HARD and then came to the rescue, but never missing an opportunity to take a picture... im sure it will be on facebook soon

moral of the story..... I WILL PUT GAS IN THE CAR WHEN THE LIGHT COMES ON.

Currently Listening Extreme Behavior By Hinder lips of an angel see related

so i have come to discover that i feel like im just a walking hollow shell with no purpose. i have all these things i want to accomplish and do by a certain time and i cant control them. and it frustrates me to no end because a lot of the things i want to accomplish cant be accomplished unless its God's will, and to honest i hate waiting.... i hate being paticent!!!! oh well... i guess i will have to get over it right? its werid, when i pray i feel seriously like im getting somewhere with God and my relationship and with healing from past pain. but then i have days like today where i feel like nobody really cares, like God is a hundred miles away, and that like i said in the beginning... a hollow shell walking around with no purpose.

i have goals i want to accomplish this semester and so far none of them has been accomplished... well i take that back a few have but its going really slowly. and taking things day by day is really hard for me considering the fact that im inpatient. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!